Co-regulation vs self-regulation and the power of journalling

I’ve been feeling really in love with life this week. Noticing the light and the dark. The ups and downs. Really marvelling at the journey and bearing witness to this human life. I am grateful for this moment. I am grateful for you! Thank you for being connected with me.

This slightly gooey sentiment is mirrored in today’s Friday Feels 💖

Here are five snippets of my world from coaching, meditation and breathwork in honour of Friday Feels.

1. Song of the week

Higher Love by James Vincent McMorrow (Spotify or YouTube)

I played this song at the end of Wednesday night’s breathwork session this week. It’s so beautiful, and I believe the lyrics to be true. After I wrapped up the breathwork session, I went to my guitar to see if I could play it and sing (much to my cat’s horror – she’s not keen on guitar, does anyone else find this with their cat?? Tell me it’s just not my crappy playing!)

This track may be another lovely song to sit quietly and listen to. Perhaps in the morning, remove all other distractions for a moment and gift yourself those 3 1/2 minutes to really listen and feel.

“Think about it… there must be a higher love….

I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire
Let me feel the love come over me
Let me feel how strong it can be”

2. Quote of the week

“The greatest indicator of life span wasn’t genetics, diet, or the amount of daily exercise, as many had suspected. It was lung capacity.” – James Nestor, Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art

OK, so this isn’t so much an inspirational quote as a “holy smokes, that’s important!” factual quote. I have been re-reading this game changing book by James Nestor in preparation for some wellbeing workshops for businesses I’m hosting in October.

If you are interested in longevity or living a healthy life (which I am sure we all are! Given, y’know, the pandemic!), then checking out James’ book is a must. You can listen to this awesome podcast interview with James Nestor too, as he share a lot of amazing breathwork science and tips there.

3. Practice of the week

Journalling! This week, I finished a 30-day journalling challenge my coach had recommended I try. Every morning, I journalled using these three prompts:

1) “what do I need to release?” i.e. what’s weighing me down, pissing me off or bringing up anxiety or stress. Write it all out, no judgement. Keep going until I’ve let that all go and it’s out of my head and onto the paper.

2) “what am I grateful for?” Writing out not just what I am grateful for but also why. “I am grateful for my body and the joy of movement, for my health and mobility and strength, for the joy of being alive. I am grateful for my cat and how sweetly she greets me, this amazing other creature with consciousness who likes to share space with me and it’s funny how she hates my guitar playing. I am grateful for friends that I can totally be myself with. I am grateful for my parents for giving me this life and teaching me so much. I am grateful for a roof over my head, for warmth, for clothes, for food – to feel safe.” You get the idea 🙂

3) “how did my day go?” I answer this question like it’s the end of the day and I am recapping what happened. I have an awareness of my calendar and what my day looks like, so I write about the best version of my day! This exercise is a fantastic primer for the day ahead, as it invites me to be far more intentional with my time. Plus, some rather spooky things have happened! It reminds me of that film Stranger Than Fiction, maybe there’s more to the power of writing than we realise…

A question clients often ask me is “how long should you journal for?” It’s more about how it feels rather than how long it happens! It may be 5 minutes or it could be an hour! For me, it tends to be around 20 minutes.

4. Article of the week

Co-regulation vs Self-regulation

Do you notice you soak up other people’s emotions? For example, when someone is feeling low, you feel it! Or if someone is really high energy and joyful, it’s infectious. This phenomena is known as co-regulation, where our nervous system looks to regulate with other people’s emotional state. If we are not aware, co-regulation means we can end up like a sponge soaking up everyone else’s emotions. Which can be draining and also create a lot of noise in the mind and anxiety in the body. Instead, you can practice self-regulation, where you look to steady your own emotional responses, especially if you are triggered by someone else’s emotions. Through self-regulation, you can let go of the need to people-please or probe to find out what’s wrong in an attempt to try and resolve the uncomfortable feeling within yourself.

5. A client win I’m celebrating this week

Connected to the point of co-regulation vs self-regulation, a client started to explore the idea that other people’s happiness is not her responsibility. Yep. It’s true!

We are all empathetic beings. We all pick up on each other’s emotions. And it can be challenging to be around people who are experiencing low moods, or are angry, aggressive, sad, anxious etc. Why? Because we feel it too! But other people’s emotions are theirs to be felt and managed, not yours.

You can also try playing with these thoughts: “how am I making this situation about me?” When maybe it’s not!

Or “Other people’s feelings are none of my business”

Or “I am not responsible for other people’s happiness”. This includes your partner, parents, friends, clients and colleagues.

Taking 100% responsibility for your emotions, thoughts and results in life is also freeing yourself of the perception that you need to be responsible for other people’s emotions as well. Liberating!

A differentiator here is if you have children! You are responsible for their safety and welfare, but does that extend to happiness? Or is it a case of holding space for them to feel their feelings and know that it’s safe to feel sad, angry, low etc.? I am not a parent, so I am so mindful of not being qualified to speculate on this with lived experience – but I wanted to clarify in case ya’ll were wondering 😃

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That’s it for Friday Feels! I wish you a glorious day!

Big love and a squishy hug,

Briony x